funny stories & jokes (unrelated humor)

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Laughter is the best medicine.  Telling funny stories and jokes is a great way to pass the time at a trade show booth, and it is also a great way to break the ice with a new customer, or to grow a relationship with an existing customer. If I could only have remembered even 10% of the jokes and stories I have heard over the years, I would have been an even better salesman. Oh, to have a better memory for jokes and humor!

What follows is a collection of some of the better humor (stories and jokes) that I have heard over the years. Many of them have been emails I have gotten. For past visitors, I used to have these on separate pages, but decided to consolidate them all onto a single page, a monstrously humongous depository of unrelated humor. Pull up a chair, kick off your shoes, start reading, and start laughing. You can never laugh too much.

1. puns for smart people

2. economic stimulus II ?

3. random thoughts

4. a true friend

5. man rules

6. Yogi Berra says...

7. the consultant

8. an explanation of our life span

9. why God created children

10. lawyer jokes

11. the next "SURVIVOR" TV series

12. 16 rules to enter Kansas

13. why God made moms

14. the mommy test

15. why parents drink

1. puns for smart people

Are you smart, or at least above average on the intelligence scale? Well, read these "puns for smart people", and if you get them, then pat yourself on the back... because you must be smart!

1. I once believed that I had seen an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to only be an optical Aleutian.

2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

3. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his rotund size from too much pi.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

5. A little girl accidentally swallowed several coins and was taken to the emergency room. When her grandfather called to ask how she was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

6. A butcher backed up into a meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

7. A rubber band gun was confiscated during calculus class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

9. A dog gave birth to puppies in an empty lot and was cited for littering.

10. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. A grenade tossed into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine

14. The sign on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation clinic read: "Keep off the Grass."

15. A hole was discovered in the wall outside the nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. The dwarf fortune-teller who escaped from jail was a small medium at large.

18. I wondered why the baseball coming at me kept looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

19. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead squirrels. The flight attendant looks at him and tells him, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion is allowed per passenger."

And if you get this last pun, you may just be a rocket scientist...

20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says to the other, "I've lost my electron." The other hydrogen atom asks, "Are you certain?" The first hydrogen atom responds, "Yes, I'm positive."

2. economic stimulus II ?

Apparently it's been over four years since the approximately 872 trillion dollar Federal Economic Stimulus package that some politicians are claiming "saved" two million plus jobs and prevented us from having another Great Depression. I'm not sure I believe that, and I wonder how it's going to be paid for... but I guess that's a problem for the future, eh?

Apparently there's also talk of an economic stimulus sequel... which reminds me of the following email I got a while ago.

***

Some time this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the Federal Government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the Federal Government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the Federal Government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a little bit of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help stimulate the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend your stimulus check at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.

* If you spend your stimulus check on gasoline, the money will go to the Middle East.

* If you spend your stimulus check on a computer, the money will go to India.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, the money will go to Mexico or some country in Central America.

* If you buy a car, the money will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, the money will go to China.

* If you pay off your credit card debt, the money will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the economic stimulus money in America by:

1. Spending it at garage sales, or
2. Going to ball games, or
3. Spending it on prostitutes, or
4. Spending it on beer, or
5. Getting a tattoo.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.)

Conclusion:
To make it easy, just go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute who you met at a garage sale and drink beer all day.

3. random thoughts

In my experience, 90% of forward "this is really funny" chain emails aren't that funny. But occasionally I'll get an email forwarded to me that really is. Recently I got an email called "random thoughts". Not all of the random thoughts were funny, but most were. Here's fifteen of them...

1. More often than not, when somebody is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell them my own story that's not only better than their story, but also involves me.

2. I don't understand why people say, "I don't need to drink to have fun." OK, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

3. I take back all the times I said I didn't want to nap when I was younger..

4. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6. LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

7. Was learning cursive really necessary?

8. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

9. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

10. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

11. My brother's League baseball team is called the "Step Dads". But none of the guys on the team are actual step-dads, so I asked him about the name. He explained, "Because we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

12.  What would happen if a person hired two private investigators to follow each other?

13. Bad decisions make good stories.

14. Anything can be fixed if you have a big enough roll of duct tape.

15. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

4. a true friend

If someone is really your friend, you can count on them through thick and thin, no matter what.

If they are a true friend, you can also count on them to:

When you are sad, they will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
 
When you are blue, they will try their best to dislodge whatever it is that is choking you.
 
When you smile, they will know what you must be thinking about, and they'll know that they probably want to be involved in it.
 
When you are scared, they will nag you to death about it every chance they get until you're not.
 
When you are worried, they will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you stop your whining.
 
When you are confused, they will only use little words and will speak very s l o w l y.
 
When you are sick, they will stay the hell away from you until you are well again (they don't want to catch whatever you have).
 
And when you fall, they will laugh at your clumsy ass, but then they will help you get up and dust yourself off, for they are a true friend.

5. man rules

Relationship rules from a man's point of view.  Please note... they are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1.  Men are NOT mind readers.

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.  Sunday sports... It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1.  Crying is blackmail.

1.  Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!!

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.  Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.  ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

1.  If it itches, it will be scratched. We men do that.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!  Well, almost anything.

1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, basketball, or golf.

1.  You have enough clothes.

1.  You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the pull-out couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

6. Yogi Berra says...

Yogi Berra had a way with words...

"It ain't over until it's over."

"Never answer an anonymous letter."

"I usually take a two hour nap from one to four."

"It's like deja vu all over again."

"When you come to a fork in the road....Take it."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

"You can observe a lot by watching."

"If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be."

"It gets late early out here."

"The future just ain't what it used to be."

7. the consultant

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Mercedes drove up trailing a huge cloud of a dust. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Ralph Lauren tie, rolls down the window and asks the shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a young arrogant yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The young man parks his car, whips out his HP laptop, connects it to his Verizon cell phone, pulls up a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution image.

The young man then opens the digital image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Bonn, Switzerland. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his Mercedes.

Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. "

"Now please give me back my dog."

8. an explanation of our life span

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."  So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.  God said, "Entertain people. Perform monkey tricks and make them laugh.  I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years?  I don't think so.  Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"  And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow.  God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer.  I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."  And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.  I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What?  Only twenty years!  Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "you've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

9. why God created children

To those of us who are fortunate enough to have children in our lives, whether they are our children, grandchildren, nieces, or nephews, or even a friend's kids... here is something to brighten your day and make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit!

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?" they both asked.

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God told them.

A few minutes later, God saw His children taking a bite from an apple, and he became furious!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God roared.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be easy for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of having kid parties is to remind yourself that there are kids more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will select your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"

AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

10. lawyer jokes

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a really great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A really great lawyer knows the judge.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made the lawyer an offer. "I can help you, " the devil said. "Here are the five things I'll do for you. One, I'll triple your income. Two, I'll make your partners will love you. Three, I'll make your clients respect you. Four, you'll have three months of vacation each year. And finally, five, you will live to be a hundred. Now, all I require in return is this... your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will all rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, runs into a butcher shop and steals a steak.. The butcher follows the dog back to the lawyer's office and realizes the dog belongs to the lawyer. The butcher asks the lawyer, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my shop, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $10. Your dog was loose and stole a steak from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $10. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher gets a bill in the mail from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

11. the next "SURVIVOR" TV series

Here's the premise and plot for the next season of the popular TV show, Survivor.

Six married men are to be marooned on an island with one car and 3 kids each for one month.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food restaurants.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house tidy and clean, check and correct all homework, help with science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries for each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).

He must also bake cupcakes or cookies for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup every day, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 5 year old to eat a serving of brocolli.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the month, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.

Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, caring, and age-appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me."

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

12. 16 rules to enter Kansas

16 Rules to Enter Kansas
Applies to each person as they enter Kansas.
Learn & remember:
East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & feed lots. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $200,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of pheasants are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish and mountain oysters. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak! Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try K-State or KU or a bunch a' others. They come outa there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

16. Anhydrous Ammonia is used as a fertilizer! Let us catch you trying to "cook" something with it and we will "cook" your you-know-what!

13. why God made moms

A group of elementary school children were asked, "Why did God make mothers?" and other questions...


Why did God make mothers?

1. Mom's the only one who knows where the glue stick is.
2. Mostly to clean around the house.
3. To help us get out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like he did for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lots and lots of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me, except he used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mom out of clouds and angel hair and everything else nice in the world plus one dab of mean.
2. He had to get his start from men's bones. Then he mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other kid's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know! because I wasn't there, but my guess would be really bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a robber? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to be because dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff hidden under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. Moms have magic, and they make you feel better without medicine.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this strange thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know that  it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of the invisible eyes on her back.

14. the mommy test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. I saw her pick something up from the ground and start to put it in her mouth. I quickly and instinctively grabbed the thing away from her, and told her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and it probably has germs." I replied.

My daughter stared up at me with total and complete admiration and asked me, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Ummmmmm..." I had to think fast. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you become a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for a while, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she finally told me. "So if you don't pass the test, then you have to become the daddy?"

"Exactly!" I replied, with a big smile on my face and pride and happiness in my heart.

15. why parents drink

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper:

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the Boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:


"ME."

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